Big Foot Tranny!

Wow, how long has it been since I last blogged? Maybe close to a year...crazy! I can't believe that I have not taken the time to tell you all about all the amazing people watching that I have done all year. I probably wont be able to write everything down in just this entry but I will do my best. It's my duty to inform! So where do I start?....um....oh yes, one of my most memorable experiences this past year. I shall call it, Big Foot Tranny citing in the City! So as some of you know, I am currently working at an accounting firm in Philly. Just recently, our firm moved its offices to right in the middle of Philly, where all the action happens. I thought that there were lots of people to spy on in our last location, but man oh man was I sooo mistaken. My eyes are truly having a fest here in this new location. I think my eyes might be getting fat from all this people watching...what's a good diet for eyes? Ok so back to the Big Foot Tranny citing. Ok, so after taking the elevator from the 32nd floor down to the lobby, I was busy talking to one of my work buddies when something caught my attention. Something in my peripheral vision was not right, something wasn't quite fitting in with the rest of the walking dark bland colors...something was causing a disturbance to the usual sophisticated business atmosphere. What was it? For a moment I considered ignoring it, not focusing on it. However, when have I ever not given my eyes the chance to experience something new? When have I been so reserved? When have I not indulged in some harmless people watching? NEVER! So I tuned out my buddy and focused on whatever it was that was causing such a disturbance! WOW Oh Wow! Look out the window and what did I see, big foot tranny walking down Market Street! Oh yes, glory be to my mind for not letting me miss out on such a sight. I literally stopped right on my tracks and took it all in. So what did I see? Description: about 6'3"; light dark skin, shoulder length flat ironed brown hair with a bandana wrapped from his forehead to the back of his head; a tight, light blue, ripped jean jacket that had sleeves up to half of his forearm and that showed off his midrift; the tighest light blue jeans that I have ever seen on a dude (which matched the jacket); white hooker heels; and to top it off a matching jeans purse! Oh but that's not all, Big Foot Tranny was a feisty thing. It was walking like it owned Market Street and that it belonged there. It was taking big confident steps...almost like a horse walking really proud after finished a race. With each step, Big Foot Tranny overexaggerated its booty shaking. Let me tell you something, I don't know if it had some kind of padding but I'm pretty sure a baby or midget cause use that booty as a chair...that's how far it stuck out. Can you imagine the intensity in my eyes as I tried to get my head and thoughts around what I was seeing. As fast as it came into view, that's as fast as it disappeared. Had I been dreaming? Had I been so deprived of any kind of excitement in my cubicle on the 32nd floor that I had imagined Big Foot Tranny? No! It was real. I might not have prove, but these eyes don't lie. 3 days have past since that citing, but I have not lost hope that I will see it again. When that day comes, I will be ready to capture it all on camera. But for now, I must remain to you all as the crazy man who lives my himself with 20 cats and says he saw Big Foot Tranny. I will prove it!

Christmas Shopping Nightmare!!!

So I normally love Christmas and the entire season because of the parties, food, music, lights, and all the good times spent with family. But as of late, I have come to the realization that I hate Christmas shopping! Honestly, whoever decided to get into people's heads that they NEED to go out and buy gifts for people got a little carried away. Three things happened to me last night as I was doing some last minute shopping that brought me to the verge of insanity. So the first thing happened while my mom and I were waiting in line to pay for a couple of things my mom had gotten. Through the corner of my eye I saw an older lady with white messy hair and glasses coming towards us. I didn't pay close attention to her but when she finally got closer I realized that she had no intention of going to the back of the line. She pretended like we weren't even standing there. She kept looking around and inching closer and closer behind the people that were paying at the time. I could not believe her. For a moment I though, maybe she is just going to ask a question, but then I saw that she had a couple of articles of clothes in her hand. Then I thought, maybe she is just crazy and it will probably be better to just let her go in front of us and not cause her to go crazy on us. Well, those thoughts quickly turned into suspiscions of racism. Think about it, she was white (no offense to all my white readers out there), had a stuck up look, and she didn't acknowledge our existense. Well, that just got me even angrier and more determined to get revenge. I began to talk louder to my mom saying things like: People are sooo rude when they cut in line. Then continuing to say: So much for the Christmas spirit when even old people haven't learned what that is. And finally, She will go to hell! Oh yes I said all those things. I thought I was going to feel better because maybe she might have heard me, but the dang woman had a freakin hearing aid which she probably had off to not hear what people said to her. At this point I just wanted to tackle her to the ground. However, there would have been too many witnesses. So what did I do, I stood my ground and let her go in front of me! I know I know, I'm a push over; but that old lady will get what's coming to her: DEATH!
The second potentially deathly event of the night was inside of the Hollister store. Don't get me wrong all you Hollister shopper, well actually I don't care if you get me wrong or get offended, but seriously: Who shops at that store?! The store is so rediculously dark, it has the smell of a sweaty teenager who put way too much cologne, and everyone and everything looks and acts the same. It's like being in high school all over again. Anyways, we went in to by a gift and as soon as we walked in, two girls working there jumped right in front of us and began to attack us with words. I don't mean attack as in being mean to us or insulting, but these two girls were like: "Welcome to Hollister. I hope you guys have a great time with us. Please check the totally awesome new Cali gift section for great and cheap gift ideas, If you guys have any questions ask me or her but preferably me cause i'm cooler. HAHAHAHA anyways, is there anything specialy that you guys are looking for? we have all the coolest and latest fashion at cheap discounted seasonal prices. What are you guys looking for, let me know and I will show you! HAHAHA so what will it be?!" OMG I honestly felt like my brain had just turned into liquid after hearing those two dumb girls talk and laugh. PLus adding that awful stench made my head spin. I had forgotten how to speak! All I was able to say, we know what we want. Take me to where those things are! One of the little dumb slave girls there took me directly to where the items were located but not before taking us for this long walk through what seemed like a maze of clothes and young workers who would not stop saying: Hi!!! welcome to Hollister!!! Holy shiz, I think all those people are on drugs. Anyways, we got what we wanted to got the heck out of there. It was so nice to see light again and have fresh air flowing through my lungs again. Also, I felt like 100 times smarter after getting out. So a piece of advice to all you out there, if you are feeling down and feel like you can't accomplish anything because you aren't doing so well in school or think that you are dumb, please visit your local Hollister store and I promise you that all your negative thoughts about yourself with change!
Finally, as I was looking through some items at a Macys I was distracted by an woman who was a couple of feet away. The woman seemed to be in a desperate and almost frantic state looking through some Christmas ornament. I couldn't help but stare at her as she digged through the stack of ornaments. She looked so disturbed and upset. Every now and then her face would wrinkly up and her lips would twitch. I began to wonder what the heck was wrong with this lady. Was ornament shopping that stressful? Were her children being held captive till she returned with the ornament the kidnappers wanted? I don't know but it was scaring me. As I continued to look at her, I was shocked by what happened next. It began as a low growl and turned into a combination of both loud and quick bursts of mini explosions. And no I am not talking about the bomb explosions or suicided bombers, but the explosions that come out of someone's butt hole! Yes, the woman was farting. My eyes, I am sure, were huge! I could not believe that a couple of feet away from me was this woman farting like she was in her bathroom at home or better yet a fart contest. As she farted, she still kept looking through ornaments like nothing was happening. Once the explosion was over, she touched her belly, coughed and sped walked out of sight! I guess her crazy and frantic facial expressions had a reason and a trigger behing them. I should have known and gotten out of there before anything had happened. What the heck is wrong with some people? If you have such huge gas problems, stay at home!
Well that's all my venting for today! MERR CHRISTMAS!!!

Can you see farts when it's cold?

Ok,  so I know how devasted most of you must be since I have written in such a long time. However, I do have a good excuse. I needed to go Christmas shopping Monday night for my sister who is on an LDS mission. In an attempt to fit everything that I normally do on Monday and have shopping time, I decided to go to the gym at 5 in the morning. People, unless you have high tolerance to cold, sleep, and plain craziness; don't do it! Well, I drank my protein shake and some Jack3d to boost up my energy and went out. I felt good at the gym but by the time I got home I was feeling a little strange. I still went to work feeling that way until about 10:30 when my stomach turned upside down. I started feeling dizzy and had sharp stomach pains. I knew I had to leave work, so I told my supervisor and then headed home. To skip all the gross parts, I was sick as a dog all Monday and Tuesday morning. I am feeling much better today, thanks for asking! Not!!! Well, believe it not I have been people watching lately! Yes, not even being on my death bed will keep me from people watching. I think that if I were on my death bed I would be staring at the people coming to see me, some crying and some making up some words of sympathy. For those I really care about I wouldn't really criticize but for those who are fake I would probably criticize they nasty beards, or weird hair style, or some I would notice that they are wearing too much make up to visit a dying man or I would notice how the little kids would be scared to get close and so I would give them the typical "I will eat you with my toothless mouth" look that old grumpy man give. (I have always wanted to do that!) Anyways, I have been noticing butts lately. Yes, I said it. I have been looking at butts, behinds, buttocks, gluteous maximus (i don't care about spelling), butt cheeks, junk in the trunk, nalgas, bottoms, bubble, lower back, and whatever other names exist out there. Well for all of you who are already judging me saying to yourselves: Ew, OMG he is so gross! or saying: Oh my freak, this kid is so disrespectful. How is he even christian?!. or maybe thinking: He is such a guy! Well, I got one thing to say, SHUT UP! So moving on...I have been looking at butts but not for the obvious "hey good looking! I would like some fries with that shake!" kinda look, but looking too see if by some chance I get to see smoke or steam coming out of people's butt as they walk in the cold. You know you all have thought about it and will probably start searching more for it after reading this. You know that when you are outside and it is so cold that you can see your breath, you also become very aware and cautious not to let one out if people are around cause you think that steam might come out! Admit it, we all fart! Anyways, I have been paying close attention to people's butts for that reason and in my search I have been AMAZED about the shapes, sizes, dimensions, and rhythms of butts! It is simply MIND BLOWING how diverse butts are. Some need some work, some need to grow a butt so you can tell where the back starts and where the butt begins instead of being an ironing board, some need a little more funk, and some just need to visit a butcher or meat shop to get some of that shopped off. But yeah, I invited everyone to check out your butts in the mirror and see what yours look like and start noticing other people's butts to see what you are up against! Well, in my searching I have been very close to finding steam coming out of a butt. I am telling you, finding one is like trying to find a virgin at Michael Jackson's compound! (I heard that somewhere, so credit to whoever it was that said it). Well, whenever I have come close to thinking that I see steam, it turns out to be an underground air vent, a restaurant's steam pipe, or a midget standing next to a very hefty woman! However, I think I did see one yesterday! It was from far away so I can't be 100% sure. The woman, who brought about such a great event, must have been about 5'4"-5'6", about 180-200 pounds, wearing black tights, and a dark green coat. The dimension of her butt were possibly 2 to 3 feet wide by 2 feet! It was one of the those "Visit the butcher" kinda butts. But as I saw it, I saw glimpse of what seemed to be a semi clear/white foggy substance escaping her butt. It was only for like a second or two but it was there. I checked too! There weren't any midgets or air vents near her. It had to have been her! You could not believe how happy I was! I just laughed to myself thinking about how much time I had spent searching to finally be one of the lucky few in the world to witness such a rare and almost extinct sighting. People, all you unbelievers out there, or all of you who have to see it to believe... THEY DO EXIST! Foggy farts do exist! So next time you are thinking about letting one go thinking, "Oh no one will notice. That's just a myth!", DON'T  because they do exist and you don't wanna look like a steam engine! So my friends heed my warning cause you will face years of ridicule for your mistake OR you will have my foot up your behind if you happen to do it infront of me!!! For now, so long and remember: Go out there and PEOPLE WATCH!!!

Never talk to drunks!

So first of, thank you to all who have been reading the blog and leaving comments here and on my facebook. I am slowly bringing you all into the wonderful world of people watching. By the way, to answer some questions: I work in Philly...Street View of where I work! If you click on this you can see what I see and where I walk by everyday. Ok so as I made my way to the train again I was having a kinda of a bummy day. I was tired cause I didn't get as much sleep the night before and my mind was completely fried from staring at a computer the entire day. Well, I got to the train station and proceeded to get on the train. I normally stand instead of sitting down next to people just because I prefer not to get that close to a complete stranger. Don't judge me, I just wanna keep from having those awkward rub of the elbows, or touch of the knees, or sudden eye contact, or catching me looking at what they are texting to someone. Understand? Ok, good! Anyways, as I stood there I noticed the man standing across from me. He was a short latino wearing what seemed to be a work uniform(dark blue button down shirt with a name tag that read Carlos, dark blue pants, and dirty black workboots), he also was wearing gloves (which for the most part would creep me out because gloves always remind me of the killers movies who don't wanna leave finger prints). One weird thing that I noticed was that on his left arm he had the letters E and D tattooed. In my head I thought to myself, "That is the worst tattoo job ever. It looks like something a guy in jail would do." Little did I know at that point that my thoughts would be right! Call me paranoid but as I kept staring at the letters I realized that those are the same letters of my name. I was like: Is he my stalker? I must admit, I kinda have always wanted to have a stalker just to say I have someone obsessed with me, but I never thought my stalker would look like him. So as I thought about this, he began to mumble to himself. I could not understand a single word of what he was saying. I prentended to be in my own little world and closed my eyes as if I were sleeping. First wrong move: I guess I gave him time to size me up because when I opened my eyes, guess who was staring at me?! Yes, my stalker! He gave me a creepy smile (he did have all his teeth) and said: "What's your name?" To all you readers out there, never give your real name to strangers. So what did I do? I said Ed Gonzalez. Holy crap I could not believe I had just given him my real name. The stalker got real happy cause he realized I was latino too. Then he proceeded to take off one of his killer gloves and extend his hand out at me as he said: My name is Carlos. Readers, never touch a strangers hand. I, however, did the total opposite and shook his hand. By this time, the stalker was smiling from ear to ear. He started to tell me that he was checking me out cause he thought I looked good and all "educated" with my coat. I proceeded to reveal more personal information about myself, like: where I worked, till when I was going to be working there, and even at what time I usually get out. I know I know, I was setting myself up to be raped and murder and it was all my doing. But it gets better, he then decides to tell me that he was in prison for 20 years and had just gotten out a year ago. Hold up, did he say prison? That explains the crappy E and D tattoo. Wait, did he say 20 years? Only really crazy murderers get that much time in prison. Oh holy crap, I had just made contact with a killer. You would think that I had gotten the hint by that time that I should stop giving information out to this stalker. I proved myself wrong. He asked me where I lived. What did I say? The exact city where I live and what landmarks where around there. So now I was pretty much telling this stalker: Come find me, I want you to kill me! Turns out he had once lived two streets away from where I now live and so he will not have a problem finding my house! All of a sudden he stared at me and stopped talking. He put his glove back on, picked up his back pack, and got ready to get off at the next stop. Ohhhh I was so relieved. He was getting off the train!!! I was singing songs of praise in my head by this time. We got to his stop and as he walked out, he stared back at me and asked: "Are you on facebook?" And what did I say, "YES!!!"....Am I stupid?!!! As the doors began to close, I heard him yell back at me: "I will find you Ed Gonzalez!"....I froze and thought to myself: You deserve to die! So my readers, what is the point of this story...you should always people watch, from a SAFE distance!

(P.S. I took this picture this morning and I need your help, what is that next to the pole?)

A BJ for some Change?

Well I work in downtown Philly and I usually leave work around 5pm. As I normally do, I rush out of the office building and make my way to the train station while taking in the sights and sounds of the busy Chestnut Street. On this particular day, I was feeling extremely happy and cheerful because I would get to go home and workout, which is one of my most recent acquired passions. As I made my way, I noticed a bum sitting at a door step. He was wearing a black, worn down, dirty Eagles coat. He was dark skinned, had a nasty looking beard, large bags under his eyes, and a beany covering some of his short nappy hair. As I got closer I noticed that the people in front of me, as they would pass by him, would look at him as if he were calling them and then they would look away and keep walking. Of course I already knew that he was going to ask for money. And sure enough as it became my turn to walk by him I was ready to stare at him and say "No, sorry!" Of course he asked me for change, in a very raspy low voice, and I continued to say as planned, "No, sorry!" However, to my surprise he had a little bit more to offer. As I began to turn my head away from his stare five words came out of his mouth and into my ears: I will suck your d$ck!!! Yes people, he offered to give me a blow job for change. It took me a couple of seconds to fully comprehend what was just offered to me. I almost lost my step and routine flow with this massive confusion that was going through my head. I had an entire conversation in my head before I could react. It went something like: What the...? Did he really just offer to blow you? Are you hearing things? And then I continue to talk to myself in Spanish cause I thought that hearing myself in Spanish would help me overcome the shock! After snapping out of it, I was like 20 steps ahead of where he had been and I looked back and he was now standing up with his arms outstretched at me!...Did he want a hug? OF COURSE NOT!!! That's when I began to laugh like I haven't laughed in a long time. So now, do you appreciate why I love people watching? Although this experience has probably scarred me for life, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Come on people, take a risk! Watch People! (P.S. I did not take him up on that offer, for all those weirdos out there that would question my morality!)